as i spend more time relishing all hours spent away from the workday

as i spend more time relishing all hours spent away from the workday, i begin to awake with more and more yearning for the faces half-remembered from my dreams. dreams start to take on more importance, as does sleep itself, because i awake feeling aligned again, and the faces met in dreams are the friends and lovers i’ve always craved but rarely had. at first, most dreams are easily forgotten, but the longer the deep winter freeze in the waking world abides, the more i sleep, and the more my consciousness asserts itself into dreamland, bringing back small treasures from beyond that veil.

this morning, i awoke with the certain realization that i’d met the love of my life in this dream i was having–her very spirit matched the ideal soul mate, even as she morphed through three different people.

at the beginning of the dream, i arrived at g’s old place of work with her in an old chevy impala. at this point, we were together, but when she went inside, i became sneaky and wasn’t supposed to be reading her mail. her current (and in the dream i suppose “future”) husband had sent an email to everyone letting them know he was starting a design shop, and a URL pointed you to information about the business. i grabbed the URL electronically, but then suddenly was able to physically hold it in my hand somehow (w/o printing it out).

g had returned to her desk, and i decided that she was like some kind of wild animal, that if I held really still, she wouldn’t see me. at first, she didn’t, weirdly unable to make out the frozen person standing right in front of her, until finally, as her attention turned from her desk, i bolted for the door, and at this point in the dream split off into two different people.

the “bad me” drove off in the impala, even as she was chasing it with the “good me.” however, at first, these two selves were not so clearly defined, as i ran up along the car being driven by the bad me to give him advice on how to get away faster, and my consciousness bounced back and forth between them.

but, by the time the car got away out of sight (and after g had found a gun in the mud and shot at the car a few times), i was clearly the good guy, helping her chase down the thief, and g had turned into c, a neighbor/co-worker who a couple years ago had been mildly flirty with me, but was one of those classic “scared her for no apparent reason” ladies.

we were getting married, and i was her fiance, and i had no idea why it was wildly important for her to chase down the car and the thief herself, rather than letting the police do it. this was never made clear in the dream. her father and stepfather were sleeping back at her place, though we lifted the covers to make sure the thief wasn’t stupid enough to have returned.

one of the men was “up from san antonio, having driven 55 mph the whole way because it was dark and i don’t like to drive any faster than that.” i considered replying to the statement by bragging how fast i typically drove in the dark, but then decided it would just be seen as bragging, and impress no one.

we then heard on a police scanner that happened to be in the room, that the thief was spotted at some address, which one of the men (father or stepfather, who knows?) determined was in “hoboken, new jersey.”

parts of this dream were inspired by recently watching the movie “falling down” again for the first time in a long time, and parts were inspired by recently looking at a map of locations that were near where my brother r lives.

c had become some unknown lady, who i determined was completely and utterly the love of my life. i awoke with a yearning to be close to that spirit, wherever it might actually be in real life.

an instant waking impression i had was how in the dream, as was often the case in real life, i wanted to have things all ways. i wanted to be the victimized current boyfriend who was about to be dumped for the newer, better guy. i wanted to be the rebel that tries to save the relationship by sneaking around behind her back and doing damage of some kind to the new guy. i wanted to be the hero that rushes in and rescues her from her loser, soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend. i wanted to be the solid, dependable man who can talk easily with the future male in-laws. i wanted to be the soul mate.

in short, i wanted to be all the different things a boyfriend could be in a relationship (with the same woman), never realizing how utterly schizophrenic and futile such a quest was.

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