truth is, i was never really found. just, all the things that were bad and wrong back when i was a kid got exacerbated by an adult body. drugs, cigarettes and alcohol could only keep them at bay for so long. one day, i had to wake up and face the reality of me. the same old story, being retold again. she seems interested in me, we start to establish a budding friendship, then a series of misses. every time i walk over to talk to her, i get practically stonewalled, like she’s some animal telling me to back off, don’t come any closer, or she’ll attack.
at some point, i did or said something that made her change her mind, shift her way of thinking about me, about us, as a possibility. i mean, i know we were starting to connect, i could see it in her eyes and the way she touched herself and shifted in her chair when i talked to her.
just like before, with any given lady i spent some time with. and, of course, never any clue as to what gesture, word or sentence came from me that ended it. ended it before it even started. and why did it get so far with g or d, k or s? were they all desperate, and willing to overlook my flaws? did i hold back some tiny little dreadful thing that typically leaks out of me when i’m trying to get to know a lady better?
these days, i’ve lost almost all hope, and faith has been reduced to a thin drip. funny, how much emphasis got put on hope the last couple years. hope is really much easier and not nearly as audacious as faith. hope is the bringer of small deaths for small men, and faith is the bringer of bigger life for bigger men. i have so little of either, maybe that’s why i can’t get right just what my real size and worth are on this earth.