two nights ago, i was at a lake, watching a plane do what appeared to be acrobatics. the plane was flying toward a nearby hangar that was the plane’s “home,” but it wasn’t supposed to fly in there, yet. “what is the plane doing?” cried people around me. then, it became clear that the plane was spinning out of control in wide, slow motion 360 degree swoops. at one point, i caught sight of the people inside the plane, recognizing the old mce gm, s. her hands were up in the air, and she looked to me, pleading. the inside of the plane was clearly in a state of chaos and panic–nobody was tucked with head down to await the certain death. the plane spun in increasingly smaller circles toward a nearby inlet of the lake, and i realized that i didn’t want to go down there to try to help survivors. in the dream, it was clear to me that my reluctance wasn’t due to aversion to seeing gory plane crash victims, or even for my safety as the plane might explode–no, i simply didn’t want to face whatever awkwardness and embarrassment might ensue from not having ever dealt with such a situation before. so, i opted to run back toward the street, where an ambulance was already on the way. i pretended i was being ever-so-helpful by alerting the driver to the exact location of where the plane went down. needless to say, i awoke disgusted with myself.
just now, i had this dream where i was on some kind of dude ranch, and there had been a rash of killings, cattle rustling or some other crime involving unwanted human invaders to the dude ranch. we were camping out that night, and they’d spied a trespasser down the hill. the head of the ranch handed me a pistol, and said, “okay, now’s your time to learn to shoot.” it was an opportunity to legally take target practice on another human being. at first, i feared for the group’s safety, and felt justified in blasting away. then, i realized i was shooting at d, and she was throwing up her hands in surrender, and pleading for her life. i continued to blast away, now deriving satisfaction at the opportunity to wound her but good (perhaps even more sickeningly, in the dream i clearly didn’t want to kill her, just do some type of lifelong damage). i awoke sick to my stomach.
in both instances, i fell asleep fancying myself someone who could hopefully become more of a helper and even healer of others, instead, falling into dreams where i behaved cowardly and cruelly toward others who’d somehow wronged me in the past.