It has been about a month since I really wrote

It has been about a month since I really wrote—and, in that time, not a whole lot has taken place that is all that worthy of posterity. I’m completely back to some state of mind circa 1997 where I had completely given up on the notion of me ever finding someone in the waking life. Difference this time around is that I am not trying to have lucid dream or astral sex with strangers, and I’m not still possessed of my perennial crush on T. I am, however, still m, as this appears to be the hardest habit of all to break.

Sure, I can quit for a week, but I turn into a total monster. So, that means, I haven’t really gotten rid of the deep down kinds of sex issues yet.

The workplace has become another workplace, having lost all of its “save the world” charm after the umpteenth setback. Our latest initiative, and we seem to keep pulling this and that out of a hat and trying to make it attract dollars, is a mentoring initiative. I sort of allowed myself to be a guinea pig for it, thinking it was definitely going through, and I could take the opportunity to blog about my experiences as a mentor. Then, it turns out, they weren’t nearly as far along with it as they said they were. So, I have me a little brother now, which isn’t all that bad—it’s actually a pretty basic volunteering activity, and I’m still kicking around in the back of my mind volunteering at the hospice where my mom died since I’m not really doing much of anything right now.

But, there are a lot of variables up in the air. Like, where will I be living in two months? Do I want to go out and find a condo and gamble on finding something that will appreciate considerably during the two years I work on my paramedic license—before the Austin real estate market bubble pops? Or, what if ACC turns out to be a complete letdown in getting me into the EMT Basic program, and I’m still trying to be a paramedic a year from now. Because, if that’s the case, I’m definitely leaving Austin to parts beyond and not looking back.

My father has become pretty useless as a confidant. I can see he really doesn’t want to play the role of father, or even friend to me right now. He’d rather be friends with all these women he’s been chasing pretty much since Mom died, and just keep in touch with me so I can be there to assist him in his final years. Seeing as how he has done a lot for me while he was still playing that role of Dad, I can’t just up and completely abandon him, either.

The paramedic thing has become less of an urgent imperative as I realize I can only be one in two years at the earliest, and that perhaps it isn’t precisely what God has in mind for me. However, I do know I have to be striving to get away from the lifetime of dreadful office jobs, and this is one way to do it.

I’ve also started to have those yearnings to be back in San Francisco again. There is something about this city that makes me feel at home like no other city ever has. Of course, any shot at living there would require me to do a whole lot of bs’ing about how much I love social media, and can’t wait to help some organization be more involved with Twitter and all the other garbage that’s out there now.

The only things that are truly lacking in my life right now, though, are: 1. a confidant that is human. 2. zero debt. 3. certainty of the future that extends beyond two months.

Because, with the U being about $1 million in the hole right now, it is always a possibility that the next round of layoffs following the July budget will include me. In that case, ambulance driver and San Francisco dreams get put on hold just to eat.

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