i somehow drifted off to sleep at what time, i’m not really sure, but found myself awake at what i thought at first was 3 am, then a second, wakeful look told me it was 1 am. the dog needed to go out, and it was hot inside, even with the window open. i may have sleep apnea, because i used to always have dreams of suffocating, and then wake up gasping for air–and, i still move through the day half exhausted, reaching a state of depression by 2 pm. i don’t want to go to a doctor, though, because it’s always either nothing, and you’re made to feel like a hypochodriac fool for bothering, or it’s a lot more than you wanted to know, and your insurance covers none of it.
at work, the environment has become a total farce. i feel like i am devolving the longer i stay where i work–returning to idiot, mute helperboy who nobody treats as an equal–like i have some kind of retarded syndrome and need to be talked to as such. to think i was briefly taken seriously by c-level folks at conferences flown to on the company dime, and listened to by politicians–and almost felt at ease wearing the more dressy business attire and networking smiles and handshakes.
these days, i’m almost back to being the guy who comes in and does something well–whether it’s flipping burgers or touching up a photo–but no social relationship is possible with him because he’s a complete drooling idiot once we engage him in conversation at the big person table.
i’m totally untouched by all the drama of the workplace, and there is plenty of it going around these days. it is hard to take people seriously anymore, you’ve seen it all before–most of the higher up rats jump off the ship, and the higher up rats that remain all go on vacation just when their leadership is needed the most.
it made sense at ahmis, what with wanda obviously not taking her job all that seriously, as it was just another opportunity for her to show off what a complete package she was with kids AND powersuit career.
at the iah, where the person most equivalent to wanda in terms of position has left the building, what folks are doing only makes sense in terms of the broader context of how our nation’s peoples seem to handle crises these days–“show the world the pretense of a plan, but do as little as possible to fix the problem, because it ain’t broke from where i’m sitting.”
from where I’M sitting, though, it’s all pretty much damaged beyond any keeping with the old ways can fix. it’s like a dog that lost it’s leg a year ago–we sewed him up, and he can practically go like before with only a slight limp. now, the dog has lost two of his legs, but is still dragging himself along, and our solution is to give the dog one prosthetic leg instead of two–or put him out of his misery entirely.
all i can hope now is i don’t lose myself or lose my job before i get out of debt.