the depression was pretty thick today. i’m not exactly sure why. i was able to soldier through it, mostly, and convince anyone i came in contact with that i was perfectly fine. i am not going to speculate why, but just mention that my office was empty, and very few people came to talk to me. several of the items i’ve been working on hit snags, either through endless revisions, lack of interest on the part of others to move forward, or my own lack of attention to detail that caused me to screw things up. i felt more than ever like i was doing work far away from the work i’m supposed to be doing on this earth, and didn’t even feel like what i am doing is all that integral to the success and health of the organization i work for.
today was olive’s last day, and i only discovered she was having a happy hour after i checked my boss’s outlook calendar for his availability. the outlook invite had a whole list of names on it, but i wasn’t one of them, which surprised me to a great degree. i mean, i knew olive has pretty much stopped giving a shit altogether about me, but i thought we were still cool enough that she’d think to add me to the initial invite list. of course, i could have gone to the happy hour, as someone else from her department invited me, but at that point, i pretended like i had no idea this was her last day and she was having a happy hour–i mean, it wasn’t far from the truth since i’d only seen the invite an hour before–sort of like ramon’s wedding–someone asking me on the day before–oh you got an invite and you’re going, right? uh…
at the very end of the day, though, imani stopped by my desk, and cheered me up greatly. i hadn’t seen or heard from her most of the week, but wasn’t too concerned one way or the other. just seeing her face made me very happy–someone came by just to say hi–not because she needed something from me that was work-related.
i don’t think any of the above caused the depression, as the depression just moved in like a fog before any of the days events had really happened. the depression just left me feeling incapable of holding my head up, lethargic, almost irritable at lots of little things, and mostly like a damn victim of the universe. i really can’t explain it, the sense of utter hopelessness when it blows in. the booze definitely made it worse, and i’d kind of hoped that being a month out from my last serious bout of drinking there would be no more moments like these. it was almost better to be drinking all the time, because then i could attribute all of the gloomy feelings to alcohol recovery. now, the feelings are almost more acute, it would seem, but without so much pit-of-stomach dread.
i’ve gotten much better at catching my mind as it goes off on these endless, self-reinforcing feedback loop jaunts, and am more than a little impressed at just how much damage i can do to myself simply by letting my mental and emotional states spiral out of control. it almost makes me wonder what i could do with my mind if i could trick it into being just as productive as it is counter-productive.