returned to work today, really the first day back since last tuesday, because i worked at home on friday. have to come into work tomorrow, and then off for five days. imani contacted me today–she initiated the contact–so, that says something. i walked around the building to her side to say hi, and i re-familiarized myself with the fact that we are obviously both very attracted to each other. she seems like a really nice lady, too–not hung up on the fact that i am not so full of great wit and knowledge about the latest pop culture thing, or possessed with a need to be hammering away on my blackberry and attending at least five social events a week. i am guessing she’s not Christian, but it’s hard to say at this point. lucy was mostly an atheist who kind of moved toward being an agnostic when i first met her, then finally seemed to be more aligned with Christian beliefs by the time we parted ways (but, my assholish behavior may very well have ended up leaving an impression on her that she was better off just having no spirituality whatsoever). imani said she is babysitting new year’s eve, so i asked her to eat lunch with me tomorrow–heck, i might as well see where this goes, i mean, she does seem to be one of those rare women who is taking an interest in me, and i am interested in her. but, if it goes nowhere, i’m not going to be too concerned. i have my big plans for 09 now, and they don’t really involve trying to impress women.
our tiny little marketing department had a discussion that lasted almost two hours, and then after that and lunch, the day ground to a halt. i didn’t feel like getting started on anything new, and i’m still feeling more than a little defeated by the fact that i lost all of my work due to being stupid about not backing it up and the last it guy purchasing the cheapest external hard drive he could find. so, i kind of just want to hold off until next week, then muster up some final downhill run of a blast there, pouring the last wind i can possibly have in me for web-related work.
also, after five days of just letting my mind roam free–and, really a good month of not focusing on my work too hard–the discipline required to focus on stuff that hardly interests me is quite painful indeed. this must be what it’s like to be reincarnated, if such a thing does indeed happen. you roam inside this lovely ether, a warm bath of gooey angelstuff until one day your number comes up and your mind has to forget it all and be stuffed into a tiny little baby human brain.
a lot times throughout the past few days i didn’t even want to make my mind wrestle with any particular concepts at all–not consider my issues, my past problems, my future struggles, my needs, this reality, the coming struggles of mankind, God’s will for me, etc. none of it. just simply sit or walk or run or lie still and enjoy the fact that i am alive and healthy, living inside a developed country where i have access to a decent paying job and healthcare, and live in a city where the climate stays mostly pretty nice and the people don’t ever get too nasty. but mostly, just enjoy being alive–without any sort of extra chemicals inside of me to help me enjoy it. i mean, why does enjoying living mean you have to go travel somewhere, or watch the television, or shop, or drink, or be talking on your cellphone, or be sitting somewhere with friends, or be doing anything in particular at all?
why should i interrupt my bliss just so i can do something i can tweet about and later tell my coworkers and friends about? that sort of beast is such a hungry one to feed, indeed. the more stuff you do and tell others you did, the more they expect you to do. it’s no longer enough to just occasionally go down to that bar and watch that game or fight. you have to be up on what your favorite athletes are doing at all times and placing bets on everything that happens. you have to scour every site you can find with more information to impress your friends with, and purchase a big screen television and pay-per-view. at some point, you are just completely allowing your life to be run by your friends and the stuff they like, and you don’t have a minute to yourself–if you are even awake enough to care.
maybe it works for some people. maybe it comes naturally to them. i climbed on the back of that hungry beast when i did the whole political thing. it felt nice at campaign camp to be standing in front of guero’s with a few other wonks who knew as much about foreign policy and all the races, and blabber incessantly with analysis that amounted to absolutely nothing. i know it could have carried me someplace special if i’d blabbered more when my candidate invited me to that meeting in january of 07, or to her kitchen in houston to meet a c-list presidential candidate. but, i said to myself. this isn’t me. i don’t want this thing running my life. i like the fact that with my current job i can shut it off completely when i take a vacation.
with a thing that was totally me, a true calling, i could work at it through all hours of the day and not mind it interrupting my dreamer’s head as it expands into the ether where there is no language. i thought for so long that this writing thing was it, but now i feel i am much too old and have done it for much too long–by now it should have popped or clicked until it gelled into becoming my day job. i felt the same way about playing the guitar–i played it for thirteen years of my life, and when i finally reached that day where i realized my ear for music is non-existent, i had the good sense to send the guitar away to goodwill without the tiniest bit of remorse. to be for sure, there is still that itch, and if i were a richer man, i’d gladly throw down a thousand dollars or more for a nice fender tele, but anyone can clearly see that there’s a huge difference between a rich man’s indulgence and a poor man’s passion.
it could be, too, that the only true calling there is, is the one that works toward the day when the Self finally is freed of all the fetters of illusion.